The beginning of 2011

     I wasn't sure with the way 2011 started out. Winner had some issues and we have gotten them under control. He then was really sick and the medicine he took gave him a rash. He had trouble breathing and he was covered in red blotches. Found out that he had an allergic reaction to coricidin.  With all that happening i still believed that 2011 was going to be a better year. 

     I'm so glad i didn't stop believing.  I believe in my heart of hearts that i have met my soul mate.  We just fit.  He is the most kind and generous person i have ever know.  He is talented and special without even realizing it.  He makes me feel special and loved.  I have never laughed and smiled with someone more in my life.  I can't wait to tell him my day or spend time with him.  I believe we will spend the rest of our lives together.  On our official first date he showed me what kinda of man he was and i fell in love with him that night.  We went out to dinner and did some errands.  He knew Stryker was sick and was home with just Winner.  So, we cut our night short and went home.  We spent the night watching a movie with Stryker.  Our families just fit together and even our dogs get along.  I have found the man of my dreams and i'm not letting him go.

     I  feel like my life is finally making sense.  I see a bright future for me and my family.  Life has of way of letting you know that the dark moments aren't for no reason, they make you appreciate the brighter moments.  I will accept the dark moments as well as the brighter moments knowing that i have the support of loving people in my life.

 

Haven't posted in far to long

     Life took over for awhile.  I have had quite a year.  I have over came many things and i'm still working on many others.  I have done some growing this year and i plan on growing even more.

     Let's do a recap of the year.  January i lost someone that was a good friend and most of the time a good partner.  February i removed someone from my home that was bringing me down for far to long.  March my lost friend was totally out of my life and i finally was willing to allow myself to move on.  April found out that my lost friend had been pulling the wool over my eyes for months.  It was heart breaking.  It had been the first time in my life that i had allowed someone into my heart other then my children.  I ended up in the hospital with a major anxiety attack.  I look back and see it as a good thing. I allowed myself to open my heart big enough to be hurt and survived.  I also found these lumps on my neck that hurt and had been there.  It started out a few months before and i just thought it was acne.  Found out that it was folliculitis.  I went through two rounds of antibotics to get rid of it.  Have a few scars on my neck to remind me of it, other then that it's gone.  In May i was having a lot of pain in my lower  abdominal.  I went in for tests and the found nothing.  I had also found a lump in my left breast.  Had a mammogram and a ultrasound they said it was just a cyst.  They said they could remove it or just wait.  I decided to wait.  It is still there but it hasn't gotten any bigger.  June i went back for my scheduled pap because of the hpv they had found last November.  December last year they did a biopsy and wasn't concerned.   Well now they found that it had progressed so in July had another biopsy. This time they became concerned.  I ended up having surgery to remove a third of my cervix to get rid of all the cancer cells.  I was told they got it all, but would have to have paps every 6 months.  So, thinking that would take care of the pain i was having i went on as usual.  September i collapsed at work from pain in my abdomen.  I went to the hospital and was told i had 4 kidney stones.  Had been kidney stone free for 7 years.  Two weeks later i had surgery to remove them. I had surgery on Tuesday and back to work on Wednesday.  I can say i have no more pain in my abdomen now. lol October i went in for testing for chronic fatigue cause i was wanting to sleep a lot again and didn't feel rested when i did.  I knew that my thyroid was stable so my doctor thought this was the way to go cause of my sister and aunt.  Found out that i had mono a year or so ago.  It wasn't caught because everything was always blamed on my thyroid.  I was told that after someone has mono you can have affects of it show up off and on for months to years after.  It has gotten better.  November has just been different.  The year isn't over, but i'm sure it will be interesting no matter what happens.

     The year has been a struggle money wise and i have been doing my best to get things more stable.  It hasn't been easy and i had to give up on some of my dreams i had for myself this year.  With child support not an option at this time i have had to get really creative in the money area.  It's just another chapter in life.

     So, with all that has taken place this year i am still excited to see what 2011 has in store for me.  I believe it will be a good year.  I just have one hope for myself next year and that's to have someone to share it with.

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?” Unknown

Change isn't such a scary thing

I have been through a lot of changes in the last 6 months.  I struggled with depression, kicked my ex out of my house, lost someone in my life, did a lot of work on my house, have my thyroid illness under control, lost weight i had struggled with, and was humiliated by someone i cared a lot about.  I'm still standing after all of that.  It may not seem like a lot, but i have to say it wasn't easy. 

I had to change a lot of my thinking.  I had to decided to take my illness more serious.  I went to the doctor and made them run more test.  Change some of my medication so that i would feel better.  I worked on losing weight which helped  with my illness as well.  My ex being out of my house also helped with the illness.  Stress can make it worse and him being gone has taken a lot of stress off me.  Him being gone also got me working on the house again and that took stress off too.

I go to therapy once a week.  The therapy has helped me with the understanding of the thyroid illness.  We talk about it and how i won't let it take over my life.  I allowed it to rule my life for far to long and it hurt far to much in my life.  So, this goes to show change isn't always scary it sometimes for the best.

The biggest change of all is my attitude towards myself and others.  I stopped believing in myself.  I don't remember when that happen, but i forgot how capable i am.  I know that i was to tired most of the time to fight back.  I couldn't fight my thought or others thoughts about me anymore.  When you have someone always in your face about the things you have done wrong or they feel you are doing wrong.  This tears you apart.  Have someone talk to you about your weight when you are insecure about it.  Have someone say that you should have plastic surgery on your double chin.  Being told how to dress or how to act.  After awhile this takes a toll on you.  I will not allow someone else to take that much power again.

I don't trust people anymore.  I had always been one that trusted people maybe more then i should.  I guess i always looked at just the good in others.  This has affected me in many ways.  I have gotten myself in financial trouble trusting someone.  I have gotten my heartbroken not just once by the same person, but i would have to say twice.  I am moving on with my life, just with a whole new attitude.  So, here's to change and it being a good thing.

“We are more than we imagine ourselves to be.” — Veronica Chambers

Make sure you visualize what you really want, not what someone else wants for you. -Jerry Gillies

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~Harvey Fierstein

Overmedicated

The thing about being over medicated it is hard to recognize the signs or symptoms.  You might assume that if you are overmedicated, you would feel the opposite of hypothyroid; you think taking too much medication will make you feel energetic, or that you'll lose weight, and feel great. So, when you start to feel even more exhausted than usual, or achy and almost flu-like, or you even start gaining weight despite feeling jittery and anxious, you may not suspect that you are actually overmedicated.

How Do You Become Overmedicated? There are a number of ways you can become overmedicated.

• The dosage of thyroid hormone replacement that your doctor prescribed may be too high for you. Sometimes, doctors overestimate the dosage you will require to return to normal status and resolve symptoms.
• You may get an incorrect batch of medication. Pay particular attention to symptoms that develop after a recent pharmacy refill. Your pharmacist may have made a mistake in your medicine dosage.
• If you are taking generic levothyroxine (which most doctors do not recommend), in your last refill, you may have gotten a more potent batch. Even the slight change of potency from one refill to the next, particularly from one manufacturer of generic levothyoxine to another, can be enough to push you into hyperthyroidism.
• You may have started taking an over-the-counter supplement that includes animal thyroid (pay particular attention to "thyroid support," energy support and diet aids that include ingredients like "thyroid glandulars" or "adrenal glandulars" or "bovine glandulars" -- as these can introduce extra thyroid hormone into your system and make you hyperthyroid.
• You may be taking over-the-counter supplements that contain iodine, bladderwrack (fucus vesiculosus), kelp, bugleweed, Irish moss or seaweed. Too much iodine can aggravate the thyroid in some people.
• You may have recently changed your diet, affecting your absorption of thyroid hormone medication. For example, if you were eating high-fiber, and cut back on the fiber, you may be absorbing higher levels of thyroid medication.
• You may have recently stopped supplementing with iron or calcium. Since both substances can interfere with thyroid hormone absorption in some people, stopping them may increase the amount of thyroid available for absorption.
• If you've just lost a substantial amount of weight, but haven't changed your thyroid dosage, you may be getting too much medication.
• If you've just had a baby, the increased need for thyroid hormone during pregnancy drops, and the amount of thyroid hormone replacement you needed during pregnancy can become too high for the post-partum period, causing hyperthyroidism.
• If you've just had a baby, post-partum thyroid fluctuations may cause your thyroid to overfunction periodically, so the thyroid's own hormone production, when added to your thyroid hormone replacement, is temporarily causing hyperthyroidism.
• If you have Hashimoto's Disease, you may be in a period of fluctuation where the thyroid is overfunctioning and the thyroid's own hormone production, when added to your thyroid hormone replacement, is temporarily causing hyperthyroidism. 

I'm reading this an wondering is that what has been going on for the last week.  I have had many of the symptoms.  I try not to over think these things or self diagnose.  It could be as simple as the last reason my thyroid is producing the hormone on it's own.  So, it can just be a temporary case of hyperthyroidism.  I was told this could happen and i have read many articles on this happening.  I will wait a week or two.  I will see if the symptoms start to subside.  If they don't i will go get my thyroid tested again.

Overmedicated checklist

______ Elevated pulse and blood pressure _____  Anxiety, nervous energy, tremors, feeling jittery _____  Shaking hands, tremors ______ Feeling irritable, overemotional, aggressive, easily startled, or erratic ______ Difficult concentrating, mind is always racing, can't shut off thoughts ______ Difficulty sleeping, insomnia ______ Fatigue, exhaustion ______ Perspiring, feeling overheated, especially when others are cold ______ Diarrhea or loose bowels ______ Heart palpitations, feeling like heart is skipping a beat, or racing ______ Depression ______ Weight loss with no change to diet/exercise, or sometimes, paradoxically, weight gain ______ Increase in food intake, with no weight gain ______ Craving and/or eating more carbohydrates (bread, rice, pasta, sweets, fruits, sugary foods, etc.) ______ Unusual hunger pangs ______ Excessive thirst ______ Loss of appetite ______ Diarrhea, or frequent bowel movements ______ Hair loss ______ Changes to menstrual period (lighter, less frequent) ______ Enlarged, sensitive or tender neck ______ Dizziness, breathlessness ______ Achy or weak muscles and joints ______ Eyes are enlarging or looking "bug-eyed" ______ Dry, gritty, irritated, red eyes ______ Headache in eye area, pain behind the eyes I remember someone once saying to me why fake that everything is ok.  Why would you have to pretend?  It's not about wanting to pretend or faking my way through.  It sometimes is the way one needs to do things to get through a day when the illness wants to take over.  It's the best choice.  I find if i do this it soon isn't pretending or faking anymore.  The good mood takes over.  It reminds me of a quote that Meryl Streep once made:  "Guard your good mood."  

The more you focus on the words that uplift you, the more you embody the ideas contained in those words~Oprah

“We are more than we imagine ourselves to be.” — Veronica Chambers

Make sure you visualize what you really want, not what someone else wants for you. -Jerry Gillies

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~Harvey Fierstein

I like to end the entries with some quotes that have touched me and inspired me.  We all can thinking of a time when words have affected us.  Words are very powerful whether we want to believe it or not.  So, before you speak, if at all possible take a minute to decide how it will affect you or the person you are speaking to.  I have said things in angry, in heat of the moment, and when i was hurt.  I try to edit what i say or think about it before i react.  It is up to each one of us to decide for ourselves.  Cause we can inspire, bring down, or just make a difference.

It's just life

I have had a week that has been a struggle.  I haven't been feel really well all week.  I know these days are going to happen.  I still don't like it when it does.  I have been just pushing my way through.  I struggled with the idea that i can't handle things on my own like i use to.  For the first time in my life i have to admit that i need someone or others to help me.  This isn't easy for me to say or to admit. 

I have talked with my good friends and my therapist about some of the issues that i have been having this week.  The thyroid illness is causing the tiredness, the muscle aches, and the brain fog.  I still know that i have to talk about how this is making me feel and affecting me.  I struggled with being emotional yesterday for some reason.  That could also be the thyroid and it could just be life.

Life has not been kind lately.  I have lost my trust in others.  Which does make it more difficult to ask others for help or to maybe find a person i do trust.  I have only felt safe twice in my life and have only trusted one person fully.  I remember feeling safe when i was little and my father would take care of me.  The other person i felt safe with was also the only person i fully trusted.  My therapist asked me why it was that i felt that way with these people.  It was easy to answer.  I felt genuinely loved and i felt that i could talk about anything.  Both people are lost to me now.  This is probably the biggest obstacle that i'm working on. 

I have many things i need to get through this week.  I have planned many things for myself to get out and about.  I have looked into a trip, looked into some schools, and looked into a new car.  I will keep myself busy as well as take time to rest.  Life isn't easy, but it is worth it.  I deserve more and i will get more.  I will have that life i have dreamed of. 

“You’ve got to get up every morning with determination if you’re going to go to bed with satisfaction.” ― George Lorimer

Days that could be bad

I woke up this morning late for work.  I didn't sleep well and my whole body was hurting for some reason.  I had a little bit of vertigo and a little bit of brain fog.  I wasn't going to let it beat me so i got my butt up.  I went into work an hour late, but i kept telling myself not to let it win.  I made it through the day and i stayed in a good mood the whole time.  The power of positive thinking and just plain determination.  I can't allow and won't allow this to keep ruining my life.  Days that want to take over will have to just give up.

I had my ultrasound last night and i will get the test results in a few days.  This i'm sure is going to be a good thing. 

Well, i haven't talked about symptoms or things that trigger it in a while.  I was reading the other day a was amazed by the different things.  Diet is one thing if you consume quantities of any of the following foods:  brussel sprouts, rutabaga, turnips, radishes, cauliflower, cabbage, kale, soy products, horseradish, mustard, corn, broccoli, carrots, peaches, strawberries, peanuts, and spinach.  Clinical signs are as follows:  irregular heartbeat, coarse hair, dry skin, yellowish skin, pale lips, puffiness around eyes, and dull facial expressions.  I read the thing on dull facial expressions and it got me think.  I have people ask me if everything is ok quite often, 99% of the time everything is fine.  I wonder if at times i have that dull expression look.  That would explain a lot.  Aches and pains that one can have is stiffness in joints, hands, and feet.  It also said pain in the ball of the foot.  I have that quite often.  It might be the illness and the work that i do.

I find that the more i learn about this illness the better i get.  It helps knowing what to change in my life, my diet, and my attitude.  I never realized how much stress was affecting the illness and my life.  I was always worried about taking care of others first and get around to me when there's time.  I now make myself first priority.  I don't neglect the others in my life that need me.  I just have made them do more for themselves.  I say no a lot more and don't feel guilty.  I have set more boundaries.  Still working on a few things that i struggle with, but baby steps. 

I will end this with my life is my own and what i do with it is my choice.  I can be your best friend or your worst enemy that's your choice.  I won't allow an illness or others to take it from me.  The Teresa i once was is back and i believe even better.  It's been a fight and i have had many obstacles over the last couple of year.  I won't look back anymore just ahead. 

To know when to be generous and when firm―that is wisdom.

Elbert Hubbard

I believe this quote is the most fitting for this entry.

Thoughts that hit me in my sleep

As i was sleeping last night and of course dreaming.  I had several dreams that can freak you out a little and then the dreams that can change you.  I had a night full of dreams.  I can think of about 5.  Then i wake up to Shall we Dance the movie.  I have to say it did bring tears to my eyes.  I see how i have wanted my life and how it isn't what i was hoping for.  I do know now that i will do everything in my power to get most of those dreams.  I am a realist i can't have everything exactly the way i want it, but close is better then none.  Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Dreams to me are a way for the heart to speak to you when you are the most vulnerable. 

I haven't remembered any of my dreams in a very long time.  Then i was thinking what could have brought this on.  Then i realize certain things and certain people make you more vulnerable.  Vulnerability is something that i have always been afraid of.  I have only allowed it a few times in my life and it didn't go well.  I also realized that i held back a lot too.  So, i say to myself was it the vulnerability that caused the issue or the parts i held back.  I would like to think that the were equally at fault.

I will add to my list that i have because of these dreams.  The reason is that i had these dreams a long time ago and i let them go cause of others.  I won't allow others to take away my dreams.  It takes as much energy to dream as it does to act on that dream.  The great debate now in my head is do i share them or keep them to myself.  Some dreams you have to share cause they can't be done without someone else.  So, i will decide when it's necessary to share.  I have to say the dream that i'm succeeding at is getting my illness under control.  This is the start of what is necessary to live the rest of my life as i want and deserve.

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.~Neil Gaiman

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.~James Earl Jones
 
I have to say these both touched me.  I don't hate love and i do have words that i can't utter.  This just says to me dreams and desires are something we can't give up on.  You give up on your dreams or your desires then you give up on yourself.  One should never give up on themselves cause at the end of the day you are all you have. 

I had no intentions of writing on here today, but when i woke i felt the need.  I do have the the need to say one thing that i have kept inside for far to long.  I will not apologize for my illness and i will educate others. 

Thanks to those that have stood beside me and have been my rock when i need one.  Sometimes just listening and encouraging me is all that was needed.  For this I LOVE YOU with all my heart.