Thoughts that hit me in my sleep

As i was sleeping last night and of course dreaming.  I had several dreams that can freak you out a little and then the dreams that can change you.  I had a night full of dreams.  I can think of about 5.  Then i wake up to Shall we Dance the movie.  I have to say it did bring tears to my eyes.  I see how i have wanted my life and how it isn't what i was hoping for.  I do know now that i will do everything in my power to get most of those dreams.  I am a realist i can't have everything exactly the way i want it, but close is better then none.  Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Dreams to me are a way for the heart to speak to you when you are the most vulnerable. 

I haven't remembered any of my dreams in a very long time.  Then i was thinking what could have brought this on.  Then i realize certain things and certain people make you more vulnerable.  Vulnerability is something that i have always been afraid of.  I have only allowed it a few times in my life and it didn't go well.  I also realized that i held back a lot too.  So, i say to myself was it the vulnerability that caused the issue or the parts i held back.  I would like to think that the were equally at fault.

I will add to my list that i have because of these dreams.  The reason is that i had these dreams a long time ago and i let them go cause of others.  I won't allow others to take away my dreams.  It takes as much energy to dream as it does to act on that dream.  The great debate now in my head is do i share them or keep them to myself.  Some dreams you have to share cause they can't be done without someone else.  So, i will decide when it's necessary to share.  I have to say the dream that i'm succeeding at is getting my illness under control.  This is the start of what is necessary to live the rest of my life as i want and deserve.

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.~Neil Gaiman

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.~James Earl Jones
 
I have to say these both touched me.  I don't hate love and i do have words that i can't utter.  This just says to me dreams and desires are something we can't give up on.  You give up on your dreams or your desires then you give up on yourself.  One should never give up on themselves cause at the end of the day you are all you have. 

I had no intentions of writing on here today, but when i woke i felt the need.  I do have the the need to say one thing that i have kept inside for far to long.  I will not apologize for my illness and i will educate others. 

Thanks to those that have stood beside me and have been my rock when i need one.  Sometimes just listening and encouraging me is all that was needed.  For this I LOVE YOU with all my heart.