Explanation

     I know i don't owe anyone a explanation, but i woke up this morning at 4am with the need to say something.  I felt i wanted to do it here.  I removed several posts from here cause i felt i shared to much.  I have some struggles right now that have not been easy for me.  I have tried psyching myself into the i'm not going to let it affect me.  I have done the whole positive thinking and the if i say it hasn't affected me it will make it so, if said enough times.  I wouldn't allow myself to do that cause i felt i was being weak and i was giving the situation power over me.  In truth i was avoiding letting myself deal with the situation that has affected me deeply.  One should always go through the whole process of dealing with something or grieve it if need be.  http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

     With me not allowing the myself to deal with it i have hurt myself and my family.  I had made great strides to help myself with the thyroid disease and the depression that has accompanied it.  I tried concentrating on how to make changes with peoples views and lack of knowledge of how thyroid disease can affect ones life.  I did what a lot of people do replace the situation with something and it will go away on it's own.  Well, by doing that i ended up in the ER friday night.  I went with chest pains, throat closing up, and pain in my right arm.  I thought no big deal it's probably has something to do with my thyroid disease.  I had problems with this before.  I believed my thyroid level was off or i was dehydrated.  I would go in and it would be taken care of.  Boy was i off.  I first was told that it might have to do with the combination of thyroid medication and wellbutrin.  Then i was told that i was dehydrated and they put fluids in me.  The blood work came back saying i had a bladder infection and low potassium.  I thought ok antibiotics and potassium this is no big deal.  This whole time i've been hooked up to a ekg machine.  Next thing i know they give me 3 nitroglycerin pills and i'm feel better.  I guess not good enough for the doctor and what he saw on my test results.  I was put in ambulance and taken to a different hospital.  He had me admitted to the hospital and i had more test.  I was released and i'm home.  I know that i have to make some changes.  I know that things aren't going to happen over night.  So, no more denying that this situation has affected me.  I have started a list and will do what is necessary.  I need to get back to the person i need to be for me and my family.  I know that i can't do this on my own.  I'm going to let my friends and family help me.  If i have learned anything in the last 48 hours that i have great people in my life that do care about me.

     While i was in the hospital i learned that my friend Tim had just gotten out of heart surgery and he has a long recovery.  My prayers are with him and his family.